Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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