only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
