tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
