we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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