she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
