I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
