I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
