he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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