I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
