My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
