Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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