I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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