Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
