Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
