Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
