My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
