there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
