So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
