We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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