I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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