I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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