it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
