planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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