I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
