Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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