my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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