My first STD was from a foam party
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Randomize
