Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
