All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
