Moan for me like Helen Keller
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
