my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
