It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize
