I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
