I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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