she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
