I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
