If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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