Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
