Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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