I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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