I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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