one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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