proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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