cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
