he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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