Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
