A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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