Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
