I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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