My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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