We're like a lot better than the average bears
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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